So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
