apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
