no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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