i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
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I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
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I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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