i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
