I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
