I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
