at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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