i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
