I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Randomize
