I only kidnapped one of them. chill
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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