there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He better not be in your backpack
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Randomize
