HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
