his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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