she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
