my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
