At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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