I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
