the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
