Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
