You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
