All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
