She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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