I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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