he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
