So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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