i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
and you fell through a lawn chair
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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