You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
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i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
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You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today