Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.