do herpes really smell.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
