Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
