I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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