Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
