Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
