I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
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Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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