We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
