My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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