Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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