You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It's no shave November. This is our time.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
