There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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