watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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