someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
