I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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