god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
