Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Randomize