don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
