some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
