What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
