i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
