Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
