Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
