fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
