Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
