i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
