i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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