Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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