Fuck appropriateness.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
