Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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