so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize