cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I am one with the molecules
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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