Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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